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Trap to star in Naked Gun prequel

12 Jan

Nielsen (L) Trapattoni (R)

Hollywood, CaliforniaFomenting one of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood, local sources reported that current Ireland football manager, Giovanni Trapatonni, met with executives from Paramount Studios on Monday last.

The report is just the latest in a series, linking the current Ireland boss with a soon to be shot prequel of the Naked Gun film series.

The 72-year-old Italian, and part-time Leslie Nielsen impersonator, was rumoured to have been approached last year following the sudden death of former Naked Gun lead Nielsen months earlier.

Given his theatrical nature and strong resemblance to the now deceased Nielsen, Trap (as he’s affectionately known) had been widely tipped as a logical fit for Paramount in their long-standing attempts to revitalize a franchise last seen with the 90’s hit Naked Gun 33 1/3.

Despite Trapatonni’s oft publicised struggles with English, film producers have been keen to stress that Trap’s Frank Drebin will not be an homage to Nielsen’s character, rather a reboot with an Italian twist.

“We don’t want Gio (Trapatonni) to be Les (Nielsen). He’s his own man, as soccer fans know, it would be ridiculous of us to expect him to be someone else” explained Lenny Steinberg, a veteran producer of comedy films. “Were even thinking of adding an ‘I’ to make it ‘Drebini’ so to make the most of Gio’s Italian heritage”

Despite the enthusiasm of Steinberg and others like him some critics believe that the prequel was forced on the studio due to the fact that a large part of the series cast are either now dead or incarcerated.

“The studio’s wanted to make a new Naked Gun film for a while now” James McMurrow, a prominent LA film critic told us. “Unfortunately though, we lost Les over a year ago, Anna Nicole (Smith) has been gone five years now and OJ (Simpson), well the less said about OJ the better.The studio initially wanted make a straight sequel but given present circumstances they’ve been forced to attempt a re-boot”

Whether or not Trap was the first choice to star in the to be titled, Naked Gun -1, seems to matter little to the former Juventus boss as his drive and confidence are seemingly still strong, with supposed friends of the Italian calling the news a culmination of a long-held dream.

“Trap’s always been a fan of movies, particularly comedies”, claimed Pete Tarquini, an alleged friend. “He loves all the movies of Chevy Chase. National lampoon Christmas vacation, National lampoon European vacation, he likes them all. Rob Schneider is a guy Trap likes too. He once said that Deuce Bigalow was a work of such cerebral significance that even Fellini (the famed Italian director) would have been proud of it”.

So fervent is Trap’s love of film it’s believed that his long and much publicised refusal to play Andy Reid in the Irish colours was, in part, due to the midfielder’s resemblance to an ageing Orsen Welles, a Hollywood star that Trap believed to highly overrated.

Although the FAI could not be reached for comment, it’s improbable that filming in Los Angeles will interfere with Traps commitments as Ireland manager. It’s also hoped that such a sojourn will allow him to build a closer relationship with current LA Galaxy star and Ireland captain Robbie Keane ahead of the European championships in Poland and Ukraine.

Keane is alleged to be delighted with the news and, according to sources, is hopeful that he too can make a name for himself in Hollywood as a ‘young Robert De Niro’.

A version of this article appears at


Libyans grant amnesty to Doc Brown

12 Dec

Doc Brown first met Gaddafi at a screening of 'The One who flew over the cuckoo's nest'

Hill Valley, California-In a sign of improving US-Libyan relations, amnesty was granted by Libyan authorities to the controversial American physicist Doctor Emmett Brown, more commonly known as Doc Brown. The move, which was made yesterday, brings to an end the 26 year pursuit of Brown by the Libyan Government.

It had been widely speculated that with the recent death of notable Michael Jackson impersonator and former Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, that the eccentric Doc Brown would no longer be pursued by the Libyans.

“We no longer hold any grievance to Doc Brown,” Libyan Minister for Science Ali Al-Ali said. “What he did pained us in the past, but in hindsight no one was hurt, although we did have to fork out quite a bit for a camper van”.

Brown was initially pursued by the Libyans after he refused to return a shipment of plutonium he ordered from the African state in 1985. The rare element was meant to be used for military purposes, although Brown later absconded with the material for his own private use. The MIT educated physicist used the plutonium to power a flux capacitor, a key component of his time machine, a 1982 DeLorean.

“I’m glad they’ve stopped chasing me” uttered a relieved Brown, who only 9 years ago ventured into deepest Niger to purchase a new batch of plutonium.  “Hopefully I can do business with the Libyans again, I mean they don’t seem to keen on time-travel and could probably do with a few bucks to repair all those potholes from the war”.

One of Brown’s former pursuer’s Ali-Malik Abdul has spoken of how glad he is that the order to kill the doctor has now been relaxed.

“To be honest I never wanted to kill him. He seemed like such an eccentric and pleasant guy when I first met him,” said Abdul, now a used car dealer in Hoboken, New Jersey. “I could have killed him if I really wanted, I had an AK-47, grenades and even a rocket launcher, but I just couldn’t do it”.

“I hope Doc and I can get together sometime and maybe I can sell him a used Hyundai” he jokingly continued. “I promise I won’t kill him.”

With the order now rescinded, new information has now emerged about the Libyans first and only attempt to kill Brown in 1985.

“It was a joke from the start,” former Libyan spy, Abdullah Jones said. “We couldn’t even get a full team of Libyans together. I had to drive down to Home Depot and pick up two Mexicans, just so there were four of us”.

“They were nice guys (the Mexicans), but I don’t think their hearts were in it” Jones added.

The assassination attempt by Jones and Abdul was fruitless with Brown’s colleague Marty McFly using the DeLorean to venture back into 1955, a move which ultimately lead to Browns survival. The escapades of McFly filled many with envy, including the Libyans, although both would-be assassins expressed concern about the possible long-term effects of time travel.

“I wouldn’t do it. It sounds enticing at first but I’ve heard that it can really mess you up in the future,” expressed a cautious Abdul.

When asked on this very issue, Doc Brown echoed much of the caution expressed by Abdul, concluding that time-travel can play havoc with your hair and can lead you to make hasty decisions, such as buying a car from a company on the brink of receivership.

“The DeLorean was a terrible choice, I don’t know what brought me to purchase a car that couldn’t be serviced but for by a few garages and took so long to reach 88 miles per hour, I really should have bought a Mustang” Brown added.

With Gaddafi’s death signalling, what many believe, to be a new era of positive US-Libyan relations numerous scientists and business leaders are already lobbying the current ruling council to explore for further plutonium deposits. A move which has met with criticism from former Gadaffi aide, Hussein Saddam.

“The new leaders of Libya must not be allowed to pursue a program of further exploration. I mean these are the same people who stuck a stick up the Colonel’s ass,” Saddam advised. “You must exercise caution when dealing with anyone that deems it okay to molest a dead dictator’s arse. They clearly have severe abandonment issues going on, I’d rather ackma-whats-his-face (Ahmadinejad) have it than those clowns.”

Regardless of what direction the new Libya takes, it will surely be one that does not involve Doc Brown. A move that means the good doctor can rest easy from now on.