Tallafornia causes drop in national intelligence

3 Feb

Bad grades could become more prevalent due to Tallafornia

Dublin, Ireland-  The average level of intelligence (or IQ) for the Irish population has decreased in the past month as a result of TV3 reality series Tallafornia, according to a study released today.

The study, carried out by the National Institute for Cognitive Research (NICR), found that the average IQ level fell from 100 to 97 during a 4 week period between 30th December 2011 and the 28th January 2012, during which two episodes of the new reality show were screened to Irish audiences.

Its believe that the new TV3  reality show, inspired by the popular American show Jersey Shore, has caused such a drop in IQ as many viewers strain to comprehend the simplicity of the participants cast in the series. Dr. Kevin Skelsgaard, an expert attached to the study, said that the findings represented a rare reversal in normal cognitive processes.

“When we try to understand complex subjects that lie outside the remits of everyday thought, we often strain our brains in order to comprehend them, this can lead to a momentary increase in cognitive function as you try to interpret the complex into the simple” explained Skelsgaard, a professor in neuroscience.

“With Tallafornia, it’s very much to the contrary. The people in the house are so simple in thought that they lie far below most people’s comprehension. In order for the viewer to fully understand them, they need to decrease their cognitive process, almost like shutting off the brain. While this lobotomising effect is normally temporary, it can be permanent in some cases”

Mary Kearney, a resident of Templeogue, has already expressed her desire to take legal action against TV3 after reportedly suffering the lobotomising effects from viewing the show.

“It definitely affected me when I tried to understand it. The morning after I forget how to turn off the alarm clock, then I ended up pouring my Frosties into a pint glass and tried to eat them with a spatula. I didn’t realize this until my husband saw me”

Another disgruntled viewer from Meath was suspended from his work as an electrician for gross negligence. Negligence which he claims only resulted from watching Tallafornia.

“Normally I’m pretty clued-in, a pretty good electrician” said Mark Royce, a 23-year-old from Navan. “Anyway, I watched Tallafornia the night before and went to work the next day feeling slightly off. I wired something incorrectly, causing an electrical fire. I did what seemed sound at the time, I pissed on it. Nasty details aside, it looks like ‘little Marky’ will be out of action for a few months”.

Royce believes that were it not for watching the TV3 show he would have never wired incorrectly and suffered the resultant injury to his genitals. He is currently seeking legal advice on the issue.

Other reported incidents include a Wicklow teacher who forgot how many sides were in a triangle, while a Cork businesswoman claimed that she had to purchase a brand new range of Velcro shoes after she failed to remember as to how to tie her shoe-laces. In both cases, the individuals claimed that they had watched Tallafornia in the hope that they would be ‘pleasantly surprised’.

Such reports have caught the attention of the Department of Education, with one inside source claiming that the Ministers office was concerned that prolonged public exposure  to Tallafornia could have ‘severe economic and social ramifications’.

Neurological side-effects aside, many Tallaght locals have complained that the reality show casts the area in a poor light, with some citing the participants as only indicative of a small ‘idiotic’ minority.

“I think it’s terrible. I thought it would put Tallaght in a good light, show how great some of our young people are. Instead, I just saw a bunch of f**king eejits with nothing to say, one couldn’t even use a fork for f**k sake” said Marianne Cassidy, a nurse from the Jobstown area of Tallaght.

Despite the complaints, there are a significant number of people who enjoy the show, broadcast weekly on a Friday night.

“I think it’s bleeding deadly, I do” said Margerita McEvoy, an event planner from Clondalkin. “All the lads are fit and the girls are gorgeous, just pure class. I don’t know why so many people are complaining about them being thick. Sure why do you need to be smart. Bertie (Ahern) wasn’t and he ended up being President or Chancellor or what have you”

While McEvoy and others may enjoy the show, it seems that rising resentment from both concerned members of the public and the Department of Education could lead to the shows imminent cancellation. Whether or not the shows producers would bow to such pressure will have to be seen over the coming weeks.


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