26 becomes 25 as Longford cut in effort to curb the deficit

20 Jan

Longford, it's sale could save the state over €250 million per year.

Dublin, Ireland– In an effort to curb spending and generate much-needed revenue, the Irish government has taken the drastic decision to sell County Longford, reducing the Irish republic from 26 counties to 25.

The move, which is expected to be formally announced on 28th January, was made following extensive discussions between representatives of the government and the EU-ECB-IMF troika.

“It was a tough decision, but with the prospect of another EU-backed bailout uncertain the government needed to take decisive action” said Siobhan Reilly, a spokeswoman for the government. “Selling Longford is not something the government wished to do, but with such economic volatility it became necessary to sell some non-key state assets”.

A provisional date for the transfer of the county to a yet to be determined buyer has been set for the 4th October. While a guide price remains confidential, it’s hoped that the move will save the public finances in excess of €250 million per year.

The decision to select Longford was reached after an interdepartmental group concluded that the county would be the least missed amongst the Irish public. James Masters, an advisor to the group, explained how the decision was reached.

“We took into account various factors; tax revenue accrued; cost to the exchequer; value of infrastructure etc. All of these were considered but with most counties running a deficit, what it ultimately came down to was county recognition”

The county holds the unfortunate distinction of satisfying the conditions of the ‘Belgian problem’, a popular political science theory that posits that area’s of relative insignificance and unpopularity are often the first to suffer in times of severe economic or political upheaval.

Despite the severity of the situation, many Longford locals have been stoic about the sale. James Nolan, a former councillor, said that while he found the news ‘wholly devastating’ , he was not overly surprised by it.

“To be honest, if anywhere was to go it was probably Longford. I was hoping for Roscommon or Leitrim but I always thought it would be us” said the 47-year-old solicitor from Granard.”Unfortunately we’re not known for a lot and visitors tend to forget the county in a hurry, kind of like a movie with J-Lo or your one off Friends

Others, however, have expressed their shock and disgust at the decision to sell the county on the international market. Many of whom have already speculated as to whether the government may have been pressured into the sale by powerful voices on the continent.

“I’m shocked and appalled that we (Longford) have to go. I think there were better options than us” said Margaret Coyne, a primary school teacher from Edgeworthstown, Longford. “They could have gone for Cork and done everyone a favour. I believe it’s only on the recommendations of the French and Germans that were now the one’s to suffer”.

Coyne’s sentiment has not fallen on deaf ears, with many members of the Opposition expressing their disapproval of the action.

“This move is totally unjust, even if Longford’s not the best place in the world, it still deserves to be a part of this country”, said a spokesman for Fianna Fail.

Although formal approaches will not permitted till late August, its been reported that the Chinese government have already registered an interest in procuring the county. It’s believed that the Asian superpower would likely redesignate the county as a free trade zone (FTZ) and use it as a European manufacturing base for products such as Hello Kitty lunch boxes and Pandora the Explorer DVD’s.

As to how many residents of the county will remain after the transfer date in October will have to be seen. One resident, however, did express an intention to stay regardless.

“I’m a Longford man first, an Irish man second. I’ll stay, even if the Chinese come” said Mark Murdoch, a carpenter from Longford town. “Sure, it wont be too bad. I love Chinese food, especially the number 46 and 78, the old chicken balls and chips”

In spite of Murdoch’s intentions, it’s expected that a large portion of the county’s current population will locate elsewhere in the coming months.



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13 Responses to “26 becomes 25 as Longford cut in effort to curb the deficit”

  1. Anthony C January 21, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

    What a load of bollox! We love Longford Town!! 🙂

    Well done though! B)

    • Aisley Brady January 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

      Tell this to James Keogh, Longford Town Mayor, currently out of favour with the chamber of commerce because of his gloomy views of Longford town

  2. shan January 21, 2012 at 11:41 pm #

    A joke ! A pure and utter joke! Least missed county? Our people fought for this country and its just been handed back ! A joke !

  3. richie January 22, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

    I’d rather d chinese runnen d county dan fine gael/fail they’d do a better a job 4 sure. they’d bring work and maybe even a retailer 4 d new shopen centre!

    • Anthony C January 22, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

      Let’s get this straight first. THIS IS A PISS-TAKE!
      This isn’t really going to happen..But, for the sake of argument, Fine Gael are doing the best they can. Don’t you understand that even if superman was in charge of the country we’d still be fucked for the next few years! The damage was already done by those idiots (Fianna Fail). It’s just a matter of waiting at this stage. The government are making the right decisions, but we won’t see the benefits of them for a few years yet.

      @richie: If China bought Longford, it would no longer be part of the Irish State, therefore we would no longer have the Irish minimum wage! (That’s a guess!)

      Could they have picked a shitter picture of Longford Town?! Longford has only been improving over the years. Our population went up by roughly 13% in the last census. Some people are just ‘out to get’ Longford. It’s a great place, I love it. Some people just need to get a life. 🙂

  4. Gnstr January 22, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

    O shoot.

  5. Laurie Lynch January 23, 2012 at 12:59 am #

    I am not from Co. Longford but I have alot of family from there. I think it is an absolute disgrace that this kind of thing can happen. The Chinese? Wake up America…..they’ll be coming for our country next.

    • Fintan O'Toole January 23, 2012 at 1:27 am #

      Weak. Very weak.

  6. bart January 23, 2012 at 3:59 am #

    Finally a sensible solution to raise some well needed yoyos. Longford might become an interesting place to live/visit now. Will they be introducing a one child policy? Here’s hoping.

  7. Seamus Reid January 24, 2012 at 1:16 am #

    As a Tyrone man I can sympathise with Longfordonians. We also may well be sold off to reduce the deficit here in the North. We have been asset stripped to the point whereby you can only be born in Tyrone by accident so there’s not much point anyway.

    We can only hope that a benign country such as Switzerland buys us and we can get down to making cuckoo clocks and bank fiddles as soon as possible. Have your passports ready please when you come to visit.

    • tom gannon January 25, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

      you have to live there bolax

  8. tom gannon January 25, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    tou have to live bolax great town longford

  9. Jane September 12, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

    What a joke! Seriously people!

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