Archive | January, 2012

On a serious note

29 Jan

The current Irish government is attempting to curb alcohol consumption through  such measures as a proposed ban on the sale of alcohol from supermarket outlets.

They are doing so despite the futility of similar measures taken in the past. In a break from the whimsical and the satirical, the Editor of Laymans News, fearing a grave threat to his alcoholism, wrote on such an issue in today’s version of the Sunday Independent.


Government plans to severely impact on ugly people

25 Jan

Alcohol has helped ugly people to have sex since time immemorial

Dublin, Ireland – Current government plans to curb alcohol consumption could have irreparable consequences for ugly people, according to the Irish Institute for the Aesthetically Challenged (IIAC), a lobby group for Ireland’s ugly population.

The IIAC have warned that a decrease in the level of alcohol consumed by the general public could severely hinder ugly people’s chance’s of establishing and maintaining social and, at fortunate times, sexual relationships with others.

“The ramifications of this plan for ugly people will be severe” said Cormac O’Donnell, the current chairman of the IIAC. “We’re reliant on variable factors like alcohol and lighting to mask the true nature of our hideous physical attributes. Without alcohol our chances of ‘picking up’ are severely hindered”

The government, whose plans include banning the sale of alcohol in supermarkets, has rejected the warnings of the IIAC, claiming that physical appearance only plays a minimal role in both social and sexual relationships.

“The coalition is of the opinion that the suggestions of the IIAC are largely without merit” said Caroline King, a spokeswoman for the governing Labour party. “It’s erroneous to believe that alcohol is the only reason why beautiful people would ever socialize with ugly people, just look at Mick Hucknell”

O’Donnell called the government rebuttal ‘wholly naive’ and ‘somewhat hypocritical’ given the state of many of those currently ensconced on the front bench.

Mick Hucknell, the former lead of Simply Red, could not be reached for comment on the matter.

26 becomes 25 as Longford cut in effort to curb the deficit

20 Jan

Longford, it's sale could save the state over €250 million per year.

Dublin, Ireland– In an effort to curb spending and generate much-needed revenue, the Irish government has taken the drastic decision to sell County Longford, reducing the Irish republic from 26 counties to 25.

The move, which is expected to be formally announced on 28th January, was made following extensive discussions between representatives of the government and the EU-ECB-IMF troika.

“It was a tough decision, but with the prospect of another EU-backed bailout uncertain the government needed to take decisive action” said Siobhan Reilly, a spokeswoman for the government. “Selling Longford is not something the government wished to do, but with such economic volatility it became necessary to sell some non-key state assets”.

A provisional date for the transfer of the county to a yet to be determined buyer has been set for the 4th October. While a guide price remains confidential, it’s hoped that the move will save the public finances in excess of €250 million per year.

The decision to select Longford was reached after an interdepartmental group concluded that the county would be the least missed amongst the Irish public. James Masters, an advisor to the group, explained how the decision was reached.

“We took into account various factors; tax revenue accrued; cost to the exchequer; value of infrastructure etc. All of these were considered but with most counties running a deficit, what it ultimately came down to was county recognition”

The county holds the unfortunate distinction of satisfying the conditions of the ‘Belgian problem’, a popular political science theory that posits that area’s of relative insignificance and unpopularity are often the first to suffer in times of severe economic or political upheaval.

Despite the severity of the situation, many Longford locals have been stoic about the sale. James Nolan, a former councillor, said that while he found the news ‘wholly devastating’ , he was not overly surprised by it.

“To be honest, if anywhere was to go it was probably Longford. I was hoping for Roscommon or Leitrim but I always thought it would be us” said the 47-year-old solicitor from Granard.”Unfortunately we’re not known for a lot and visitors tend to forget the county in a hurry, kind of like a movie with J-Lo or your one off Friends

Others, however, have expressed their shock and disgust at the decision to sell the county on the international market. Many of whom have already speculated as to whether the government may have been pressured into the sale by powerful voices on the continent.

“I’m shocked and appalled that we (Longford) have to go. I think there were better options than us” said Margaret Coyne, a primary school teacher from Edgeworthstown, Longford. “They could have gone for Cork and done everyone a favour. I believe it’s only on the recommendations of the French and Germans that were now the one’s to suffer”.

Coyne’s sentiment has not fallen on deaf ears, with many members of the Opposition expressing their disapproval of the action.

“This move is totally unjust, even if Longford’s not the best place in the world, it still deserves to be a part of this country”, said a spokesman for Fianna Fail.

Although formal approaches will not permitted till late August, its been reported that the Chinese government have already registered an interest in procuring the county. It’s believed that the Asian superpower would likely redesignate the county as a free trade zone (FTZ) and use it as a European manufacturing base for products such as Hello Kitty lunch boxes and Pandora the Explorer DVD’s.

As to how many residents of the county will remain after the transfer date in October will have to be seen. One resident, however, did express an intention to stay regardless.

“I’m a Longford man first, an Irish man second. I’ll stay, even if the Chinese come” said Mark Murdoch, a carpenter from Longford town. “Sure, it wont be too bad. I love Chinese food, especially the number 46 and 78, the old chicken balls and chips”

In spite of Murdoch’s intentions, it’s expected that a large portion of the county’s current population will locate elsewhere in the coming months.



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Mario Balotelli. Fact or Fiction.

14 Jan

Balotelli; The Premier League’s greatest ‘man-child’

The pupils and staff of Xaverian school received a shock visit this week after Manchester City forward, Mario Balotelli popped in briefly to use the loo.

Not prone to normal behaviour, Balotelli’s latest act is largely in keeping with a man known for his wild eccentricity.

With this in mind, Laymans News has constructed a list of alleged acts perpetrated by the Italian in his short but colourful career, some of which may be true, others false. See if you can spot fact from fiction.
  • Balotelli recently transformed the  landscaped back garden of his rented mansion in to a race track for quad bikes.
  • He once threw water balloons at a Serie A disciplinary hearing.
  • Was involved in a fracas with four bouncers after breaking the “no touching” rule at a strip club.
  • He once escorted an errant Manchester schoolboy back to his school, then promptly confronted the child’s alleged bullies.
  • Has also started fights at training with Kompany, Boateng, Tevez and Richards.
  • He was allegedly seen at the AC Milan superstore on multiple occasions while playing for Inter Milan.
  • Once went on TV wearing an AC Milan shirt with his name on the back while playing for Inter.
  • After the FA cup final, he said “ I have been sh*t this season, am I allowed say sh*t on TV? All of which was broadcast live.
  • Once broke up with a girlfriend via text whilst she was presenting a live show.
  • Slept with an Italian model while his girlfriend was downstairs.
  • Drove his car into a women’s prison because he wanted to “look around”
  • Has connections with the Italian mafia, having testified in court at a Mafia trial.

Parking spaces. Legal or not, Balotelli doesn’t care.

  • Despite having his car’s impounded on more than 20 occasions and accumulated up thousands of pounds in fines in the process, Balotelli regularly parks illegally rather than search for actual parking spaces.
  • Won £25,000 in a casino one night, then proceeded to give £1,000 to a tramp outside.
  • He brought his Ipad to the bench for Italy’s international against the Faroe Islands because he wanted to play games on it.
  • Became the face of a firework safety campaign a few days after setting his house on fire from letting off fireworks indoors.
  • Chanted “Rooney, Rooney” at the prostitute who claimed to have slept with Wayne Rooney.
  • Italy had just brought out a brand new home kit. At the start of the second half for their first match wearing the new kit, Balotelli came out in the old kit claiming he didn’t like the new one. Nobody else had changed.
  • When asked by police why he had £25,000 on his person, he coolly replied, ”Because I’m rich”.
  • Sent to John Lewis by his mother to buy essentials for the house, like an ironing board, Mario came back with a giant trampoline, a Vespa and Scalectrix.
  • After he won the European Golden Boy trophy,  Balotelli said he had never heard of Jack Wilshere,  he then said would find out who he was so he could remind Wilshere he came second.

If you answered false to any of these, you’re supposedly wrong. All of these incidents have been reported at some stage in the media as actual acts undertaken by the much maligned Italian international.

Balotelli, a man who can be accused of many things,  but fortunately boring is not one of them.

Trap to star in Naked Gun prequel

12 Jan

Nielsen (L) Trapattoni (R)

Hollywood, CaliforniaFomenting one of the worst kept secrets in Hollywood, local sources reported that current Ireland football manager, Giovanni Trapatonni, met with executives from Paramount Studios on Monday last.

The report is just the latest in a series, linking the current Ireland boss with a soon to be shot prequel of the Naked Gun film series.

The 72-year-old Italian, and part-time Leslie Nielsen impersonator, was rumoured to have been approached last year following the sudden death of former Naked Gun lead Nielsen months earlier.

Given his theatrical nature and strong resemblance to the now deceased Nielsen, Trap (as he’s affectionately known) had been widely tipped as a logical fit for Paramount in their long-standing attempts to revitalize a franchise last seen with the 90’s hit Naked Gun 33 1/3.

Despite Trapatonni’s oft publicised struggles with English, film producers have been keen to stress that Trap’s Frank Drebin will not be an homage to Nielsen’s character, rather a reboot with an Italian twist.

“We don’t want Gio (Trapatonni) to be Les (Nielsen). He’s his own man, as soccer fans know, it would be ridiculous of us to expect him to be someone else” explained Lenny Steinberg, a veteran producer of comedy films. “Were even thinking of adding an ‘I’ to make it ‘Drebini’ so to make the most of Gio’s Italian heritage”

Despite the enthusiasm of Steinberg and others like him some critics believe that the prequel was forced on the studio due to the fact that a large part of the series cast are either now dead or incarcerated.

“The studio’s wanted to make a new Naked Gun film for a while now” James McMurrow, a prominent LA film critic told us. “Unfortunately though, we lost Les over a year ago, Anna Nicole (Smith) has been gone five years now and OJ (Simpson), well the less said about OJ the better.The studio initially wanted make a straight sequel but given present circumstances they’ve been forced to attempt a re-boot”

Whether or not Trap was the first choice to star in the to be titled, Naked Gun -1, seems to matter little to the former Juventus boss as his drive and confidence are seemingly still strong, with supposed friends of the Italian calling the news a culmination of a long-held dream.

“Trap’s always been a fan of movies, particularly comedies”, claimed Pete Tarquini, an alleged friend. “He loves all the movies of Chevy Chase. National lampoon Christmas vacation, National lampoon European vacation, he likes them all. Rob Schneider is a guy Trap likes too. He once said that Deuce Bigalow was a work of such cerebral significance that even Fellini (the famed Italian director) would have been proud of it”.

So fervent is Trap’s love of film it’s believed that his long and much publicised refusal to play Andy Reid in the Irish colours was, in part, due to the midfielder’s resemblance to an ageing Orsen Welles, a Hollywood star that Trap believed to highly overrated.

Although the FAI could not be reached for comment, it’s improbable that filming in Los Angeles will interfere with Traps commitments as Ireland manager. It’s also hoped that such a sojourn will allow him to build a closer relationship with current LA Galaxy star and Ireland captain Robbie Keane ahead of the European championships in Poland and Ukraine.

Keane is alleged to be delighted with the news and, according to sources, is hopeful that he too can make a name for himself in Hollywood as a ‘young Robert De Niro’.

A version of this article appears at

Irish astronomers discover new black hole. It’s Mullingar.

11 Jan

Mullingar; So dark it cant reflect light

SANTIAGO, CHILE– Using an observatory high in the Andes mountains of Chile, a team of Irish astronomers were astounded this week to discover a new black hole located in the Irish midland town of Mullingar.

Black holes, region of spacetime from which nothing, not even light can escape, are rare finds,with the last one, documented last year, located in Hull, England.

While the discovery has shocked many in the scientific community,  many in the vicinity of the town have been noticeable by their lack of surprise.

“Sure it was to be expected” claimed Martin Jordan, a resident of nearby Athlone. “I thought Carlow may have been the darkest place in Ireland but I always thought Mullingar would run it a close second. So I was half right”.

It’s been widely assumed that the news will have little bearing on the town as it was already considered a location unfit for human habitation years ago.

‘Too many Boggers on the team’-Leinster fan

5 Jan
Sean O'Brien; Cutting up turf like a good thing

Sean O'Brien; Cutting up turf like a good thing

Despite the rampant success of their team on the pitch, it still seems a small but vocal segment of Leinster rugby supporters are unhappy with the current demographic make-up of the team.

One such supporter, Myles Winthrop-Mulcahy, claims that there are too many ‘Boggers’ (rural people) playing for Leinster. Mulcahy, a native of Killiney, Dublin, suggested that the recent trend of more rural players making a name for themselves was of detriment to those from more established rugby backgrounds.

“There’s too many big boggers on the team. Its storting (starting) to get like pretty atrocious if you ask me (which we did)”, said the sailing enthusiast.”I mean some of them are pretty good but they’re like completely cramping everyone’s style with their Diadora boots and number 2 haircuts, if they went to Rock or Belvo they’d know what’s what”.

Mulcahy’s sentiments have been echoed by some other Dublin based fans. James Jones-MacGillicuddy, an investment banker from Mount Merrion, is unapologetic in referring to player’s from Kildare and Carlow as ‘Big bleedin’ John-Deere riding muck sniffers’.

One Leinster season ticket holder, Jordi Smyth-O’Riordan, claims to regularly shout derogatory statements at current Ireland flanker Sean O’Brien.

” ‘A big gawky eyed gimp with a penchant for pig’s arses’ is one of my favourite phrases to throw at him, it makes me feel better about myself” claimed the Buck Whaleys regular. “I think its necessary to do so, they need to understand that Leinster is really for Southside Dubliners and they should really bugger off to Munster”.

In spite of these views, it’s widely believed that the vast majority of Dublin-bred Leinster supporters hold little or no malice toward people of a rural background. Michael Gogarty, a lifelong Leinster fan, firmly believes that such divisive sentiment has no place in the game.

“I think its wrong that these attitudes still prevail in our community. Country folk have made great leaps and bounds in the past few years, both on and off the pitch. Some are even working as Doctors and Lawyers. I think its about time we accepted them as are equals”.

Gogarty’s thoughts have been reflected by the growing number of rural Leinster supporters, many of whom have been prominent of late in asserting their allegiance for their much beloved team.

“Country people love Leinster, sure we’re becoming more and more a part of this team” asserted Joe Kiernan, a farmer from Laois. “Over half the team are country lads, including the like’s of Fitzgerald and Kearney. It doesn’t matter where you went to school, if your born country, your country for life. These Jackeens need to accept that were here and were staying”.

The progressive views of supporters like Kiernan and Gogarty are been largely solidified by the cosmopolitan make-up of the current squad and the key contribution of rural players like Sean O’Brien, Jamie Heaslip, Gordon D’arcy and Rob Kearney.

Notwithstanding what now seems to be a prevailing climate of mutual respect and acceptance Winthrop-Mulcahy has vowed to remain unhindered in his views toward’s rural players and fans of Leinster.

“I’ll never change, I’m from a more simple time when culchies knew their place in Leinster; in some far-off field with a piece of straw in their mouth and a pig under their arm, not out on the right wing at the RDS”.

However as Leinster and their fans move forward, it seems that the likes of Jones-MacGillicuddy, Smyth-O’Riordan and Winthrop-Mulcahy, much like the Siberian Tiger, are now members of a breed threatened with imminent extinction.

This article originally appeared at