Archive | December, 2011

Libyans grant amnesty to Doc Brown

12 Dec

Doc Brown first met Gaddafi at a screening of 'The One who flew over the cuckoo's nest'

Hill Valley, California-In a sign of improving US-Libyan relations, amnesty was granted by Libyan authorities to the controversial American physicist Doctor Emmett Brown, more commonly known as Doc Brown. The move, which was made yesterday, brings to an end the 26 year pursuit of Brown by the Libyan Government.

It had been widely speculated that with the recent death of notable Michael Jackson impersonator and former Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, that the eccentric Doc Brown would no longer be pursued by the Libyans.

“We no longer hold any grievance to Doc Brown,” Libyan Minister for Science Ali Al-Ali said. “What he did pained us in the past, but in hindsight no one was hurt, although we did have to fork out quite a bit for a camper van”.

Brown was initially pursued by the Libyans after he refused to return a shipment of plutonium he ordered from the African state in 1985. The rare element was meant to be used for military purposes, although Brown later absconded with the material for his own private use. The MIT educated physicist used the plutonium to power a flux capacitor, a key component of his time machine, a 1982 DeLorean.

“I’m glad they’ve stopped chasing me” uttered a relieved Brown, who only 9 years ago ventured into deepest Niger to purchase a new batch of plutonium.  “Hopefully I can do business with the Libyans again, I mean they don’t seem to keen on time-travel and could probably do with a few bucks to repair all those potholes from the war”.

One of Brown’s former pursuer’s Ali-Malik Abdul has spoken of how glad he is that the order to kill the doctor has now been relaxed.

“To be honest I never wanted to kill him. He seemed like such an eccentric and pleasant guy when I first met him,” said Abdul, now a used car dealer in Hoboken, New Jersey. “I could have killed him if I really wanted, I had an AK-47, grenades and even a rocket launcher, but I just couldn’t do it”.

“I hope Doc and I can get together sometime and maybe I can sell him a used Hyundai” he jokingly continued. “I promise I won’t kill him.”

With the order now rescinded, new information has now emerged about the Libyans first and only attempt to kill Brown in 1985.

“It was a joke from the start,” former Libyan spy, Abdullah Jones said. “We couldn’t even get a full team of Libyans together. I had to drive down to Home Depot and pick up two Mexicans, just so there were four of us”.

“They were nice guys (the Mexicans), but I don’t think their hearts were in it” Jones added.

The assassination attempt by Jones and Abdul was fruitless with Brown’s colleague Marty McFly using the DeLorean to venture back into 1955, a move which ultimately lead to Browns survival. The escapades of McFly filled many with envy, including the Libyans, although both would-be assassins expressed concern about the possible long-term effects of time travel.

“I wouldn’t do it. It sounds enticing at first but I’ve heard that it can really mess you up in the future,” expressed a cautious Abdul.

When asked on this very issue, Doc Brown echoed much of the caution expressed by Abdul, concluding that time-travel can play havoc with your hair and can lead you to make hasty decisions, such as buying a car from a company on the brink of receivership.

“The DeLorean was a terrible choice, I don’t know what brought me to purchase a car that couldn’t be serviced but for by a few garages and took so long to reach 88 miles per hour, I really should have bought a Mustang” Brown added.

With Gaddafi’s death signalling, what many believe, to be a new era of positive US-Libyan relations numerous scientists and business leaders are already lobbying the current ruling council to explore for further plutonium deposits. A move which has met with criticism from former Gadaffi aide, Hussein Saddam.

“The new leaders of Libya must not be allowed to pursue a program of further exploration. I mean these are the same people who stuck a stick up the Colonel’s ass,” Saddam advised. “You must exercise caution when dealing with anyone that deems it okay to molest a dead dictator’s arse. They clearly have severe abandonment issues going on, I’d rather ackma-whats-his-face (Ahmadinejad) have it than those clowns.”

Regardless of what direction the new Libya takes, it will surely be one that does not involve Doc Brown. A move that means the good doctor can rest easy from now on.


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Can he kick it, no he can’t: Football’s worst misses.

11 Dec

We’ve all had the water cooler moments discussing the Fernando Torres miss, while fondly pondering as to whether it was worse than Ronnie Rosenthals shocker for Liverpool in the 90’s.

The following misses rival these, and in some cases surpass them for just the sheer hilarity of their nature.

Rocky Baptiste

A man with a name that you’d  likely pay for. Unfortunately the non-league legend from Harrow Borough failed to live up to his name, as he blasted wide the easiest of tap ins against fellow non-leaguer’s, Waltham Abbey.

Baptiste later made amends by firing in from all of 35 yards.

Fahad Khalfan

Khalfan, a teen international for Qatar, will not want to remember his time against Uzbekistan. Following a poor mistake by the Uzbeki goalkeeper, Khalfan smartly skirted in only to stab his shot against the far post with the goal at his mercy.

Unfortunately for the Qatari’s,  this will be many people’s  first exposure of the play of the hosts of the 2022  Football World Cup. Not exactly the kind of exposure you want when pining to be taken seriously.

David Villa

Fortunately for most of us, poor marksmanship can afflict even the very best player. Here Barcelona striker David Villa misses the easiest of sitters.

Unfortunately though, this man makes more money in a month, than most of us make in a decade.

Kei Kamara

Major League Soccer is on a campaign to be establish itself as one of the world’s foremost professional football leagues. Unfortunately no one seemed to inform Kei Kamara of the Kansas City Wizards.

Emile Heskey, given the amount of time he spends falling on his arse, could probably lend Kamara a sympathetic ear or two.

Fastest players in world rugby. Part 2.

11 Dec

Cory Jane

While he may not be the quickest player in world rugby, there’s no doubt that in a one-on-one situation its hard to beat the current All Black wing. His ability to quickly cut to the outside and beat his opposing number is almost without peer, as evidenced by his try against South Africa in this years Tri-Nations.

Even though he may not have the pace of Habana, Jane always seems to have just enough to get to the line. A mark of a truly great player.

Ugo Monye

The former Lions winger was a sprinter in his youth, clocking times of under 10.6 by the age of 17. A feat all the more impressive given he was competing in the same races as two future Olympians. Monye’s strength is in his vertical speed rather than in his lateral movement.

Monye’s simple approach has caused some skeptics to label him as a sprinter masquerading as a rugby player, a charge also levelled against Paul Sackey. However his consistency in both attack and defense over several seasons has proved many of these criticisms to be ill-founded.

Takudzwa Ngwenya

The American speedster, who made such an impression at the 2007 World cup ran a 10.5 in the 100 metres while still in High School in Texas. Originally from Zimbabwe, Ngwenya is not only about speed and has displayed on several occasion a real nous for the game.

Although famously known for beating Bryan Habana on the outside, the Biarritz winger’s try against Shane Williams’ and the Osprey’s remains one of the best scored in Heineken Cup history.

Despite their recent form, Ngwenya continues to perform well for Biarritz. If the club is to steer clear of relegation from the Top 14, it almost certain that it will be largely dependent on the contribution of their flying wing.

Christian Wade

The young Wasps wing is still a relative newcomer to the professional game, despite making a name for himself at both underage level and at the sevens version of the game. His pace was blindingly apparent earlier this season, as he scored a hat-trick of tries against Leicester in the Aviva Premiership.

Even at this early stage in his career, it looks likely that Wade will earn a call-up to the English squad in the near future.

Shane Williams

Possibly, along with Habana, one of the greatest wings of the past decade. Now retired from international rugby, the Welsh Wizard scored 58 tries in 85 games for his country.

Despite being undersized, Williams had an uncanny ability to step out of the tightest of spots and his break away acceleration made him a threat from deep also.

Nearing the end of his career, Williams has proved that in a game beset with behemoths there is still room for a small man.

Fastest players in world rugby. Part 1

11 Dec

Deciding who the fastest player in world rugby, still remains largely subjective. Unlike the NFL, rugby players are not subject to publicised sprint tests. The following series comprises not only some of the fastest players in the game but also some of the more accomplished wingers that regularly utilize speed as part of their game.

Whilst it may not be an exact list of the fastest players, there’s no doubt that everyone single one of the players discussed is worthy of any moniker bestowed upon a player of pace. Let’s start at the top.

Bryan Habana

It’s no coincidence that one of the best wingers in the game is also one of the fastest. The prolific South African wing has been reported on the blogosphere to run a 10.3 in the 100 metres, although this cannot be officially verified.

Regardless of what his actual time is, there’s no doubt that given enough space the Springbok legend will inevitably score.

With an incredible scoring ration at both club and international level, there’s no doubt that at only 28, he’ll be scoring tries for years to come.

Tonderai Chavanga

Chavanga, now of the Newport Dragons, ran a 10.5 in the 100 metres while still a teenager. His blistering speed and acceleration has seen him become a fan favourite at his previous club,the Stormers, and has garnered him recognition at international level too.

The wingers ability to change direction at high-speed has led him to score some memorable tries in the Super 15.

Gerhard Van Den Heever

Still only 22, Van Den Heever was not only touted as Habana’s replacement at the Bulls but was also reported to be quicker than the Springbok legend. A former 110 metre hurdler, the current Stormers wing has shown an ability to cut through defenses with ease when given half a chance.

Yet to be capped at international level, the youngster has many years ahead to hone his skills alongside the likes of Habana, Gio Aplon and Jean De Villiers.

Chris Ashton

Like or loathe him, there’s no question that Ashton can play. His electric pace coupled with an innate ability to trail the ball carrier has led to a scoring rate, almost unrivalled in the Northern Hemisphere.

When not scoring tries, the abrasive flyer often lets his nature get the better of him. Most notably when ranged against one of the Tuilagi brothers.

Fionn Carr

Often compared to the legendary Simon Geoghegan, the former Connacht wing has made a name for himself with his searing runs from deep and his poachers ability to finish off scores.

Two promising seasons saw him top the try charts in the Magner’s league and earn a return to his old province, Leinster.

Still to be capped by Ireland, the Leinster wing has made an impressive start to the season with try scoring appearances against Glasgow and Treviso.


Premiership Flops: Not the worst, just the worst value.

10 Dec

Ali Dia, the worst player in Premier League history according to many a pundit and fan. This may be true, but was he an actual flop.

Not really, if anything the man who claimed to be George Weah’s cousin is more deserving of the tag of a spoofer or huckster than a flop. Despite utterly hoodwinking Graeme Souness, Dia was only signed to a months contract, with the financial cost to Southampton relatively small.

Dia was a personal embarrassment for Souness and Southampton, but it was a brief embarrassment, nothing more than a blush. An actual flop costs money, lots of it, and can ultimately decide not only the fate of a manager but an entire club.

Flops are the players who promised much and delivered little. They’re the guys maligned for costing more in millions than returns in goals.These are the Premierships biggest flops.

Mamma Mia! Andriy's Italian antics never went down well in London.

Andriy Shevchenko

Shevchenko’s much publicized move to Chelsea was tainted from the start. Costing in excess of £30 million, the rumour was that the transfer was made primarily at the behest of owner Roman Abramovich, allegedly to the chagrin of then manager, Jose Mourinho.

The Ukrainian striker, so prolific in his time at AC Milan, only scored 22 times in 77 appearances over a period of 3 seasons. His ineffectiveness in front of goal contrasted sharply with that of fellow Chelsea striker, Didier Drogba, who over the same period, scored 48 goals in 92 appearances.

Ball watching cost Rebrov dear.

Sergei Rebrov

Another flop from the Ukraine, Rebrov partnered Shevchenko in a dynamic and formidable attack for Dynamo Kyiv in the late 1990’s.

Following on from his success as the  top-scorer in the Champions league season of 1999-2000, Rebrov moved to Tottenham Hotspur for a fee of £11 million, a large sum at the time.

Rebrov fared poorly during his time at Spurs, scoring only 15 times in 75 appearances. Unlike Shevchenko, Rebrov was never able to replicate his form outside of the Ukraine and remains one of the worst signings ever made by George Graham, a manager once known for having an acute eye for talent.

Hands on hips. Never a good look.

Juan Sebastian Veron

Following a stellar club career in Italy, Veron was expected to make a considerable impact in England after his £28 million transfer to Manchester United in 2001.

His play was erratic at best and despite the full backing of his manager, Veron failed to re-discover the form that had made him such a star in Serie A.

Veron, later moved to Chelsea in 2003 for a reported £15 million. Much like his time in Manchester, Veron failed to make an impact, eventually earning himself the unwanted, albeit unique, honour of being a flop at 2 major English clubs.

Steve Marlet. Remember him? Thought not.

Steve Marlet

Marlet will live in infamy as one of the worst signings in Premiership history.  In 2001, a recently promoted Fulham, backed by Mohamed Al-Fayed, bought the French international for a club record fee of £11.5 million.

His on-field performances lead many to believe that the winger cum forward was woefully overpriced. These suspicions eventually lead Al-Fayed to accuse then club manager, Jean Tigana of over-paying for Marlet for the purposes of financial gain.

The chairmen’s accusations were not without basis as Tigana still held ties to Marlet’s previous club, Lyon. A court case ensued, although the charges against Tigana were eventually dropped.

Much like many Premier League flops, Marlet was unable to carry his previous form to a foreign league.

£7million a goal so far.

Andy Carroll

Some may feel it harsh to tag the young Geordie as a flop, especially when the man he replaced at Liverpool, Fernando Torres, has failed to replicate any real semblance of form at Chelsea.

However, Torres is not a flop for one cardinal reason; he has previous form in the Premier League. The Spaniard scored 81 times in 142 games for the Reds, one of the best scoring ratios of any striker in the history of the Premier League.

Carroll, on the other hand, has only half a season of form at Newcastle to draw on, and despite costing an astronomical £35 million, has only scored 5 in 23 for Liverpool. Such a ratio almost rivals that of Sergei Rebrov, who along with other major flops, can at least point to his success in foreign leagues. A claim unavailable to the Englishman.

Carroll may not be a flop yet, but he’s fast on his way and could conceivably become the biggest flop in Premier League history.

The Also Rans; Players who didn’t make the list for the primary reason of not being rubbish enough (or just not expensive enough).

Kleberson (Man Utd)-The Brazilian world cup winner was not one of Alex Ferguson’s more ‘Kleber’ signings.

Albert Luque (Newcastle Utd)-More like ‘Un-Luque’ (‘Im hear all night’).

Marcelino (Newcastle Utd)- Not a clue, but he allegedly cost the Magpies nearly £6million.

Tomas Brolin (Leeds Utd)- The Swede could at least point to his expanding waistline as a reason for his lack of form.

Karol Poborksy (Man Utd)-Luckily for the Czech international, he’s most fondly remembered for this work of genius rather than his torrid time at Old Trafford.

Wisconsin can get awful lonely at times.

10 Dec

Was the Deer asking for it?

In 2006, Bryan James Hathaway, a 20 year old man from Wisconsin, made headlines after he sexually molested the corpse of a dead deer.

He was later sentenced to probation and evaluation as a sexual offender, after being charged with a misdemeanour for “sexual gratification with an animal”. Unfortunately for the local animal population, it wasn’t the miscreants first time.

Luckily for Hathaway, things could have been much worse, at least he didn’t have to marry the deer, unlike this poor fella from Sudan.

Pakistani actress in trouble for being ‘too fit’!

10 Dec
FHM cover with Veena Malik

Veena Malik's controversial FHM cover.

Many in the deeply conservative sub-continent have vented their rage this week at a recent photo-shoot by actress, Veena Malik , for FHM India. Follow the link for the full story. Veena Malik says she was topless but ‘not nude’ in FHM.